From the world-renowned agony aunts of award-winning podcast ''Dear Joan and Jericha'' comes an unputdownable bible of sex and relationship advice on how to find, satisfy and maintain a husband, from dating right up until you or hubby pass away.

We dedicate this tome to Mahmoud: surgeon, prophet, model and friend. Capable of performing up to 30 hysterectomies a day (often blindfolded), it was Mahmoud that begged us to put pen to papyrus and share our wisdom with all the lost ladies suffering in the world today.

As much revered celebrities, living glamorous and wealthy lifestyles, we do of course come under fire. There has recently been vicious slander circulating, regarding a small handful of folk who have written to us with a problem, and having listened to our response, gone on to take their own lives. As if the two were somehow connected.

These naysayers are generally bitter and jealous spinsters, taking perverse and sadistic pleasure in being vindictive and nasty, while no doubt masturbating at the same time. To these lonely ladies we would say, ''Go look in your own heart, knock ye there and ask yourself some difficult questions. Because you will find the real guilt writhing within ye, like maggots mating in yesterday''s apple''.

What we offer here is a lifeline, a service, much like the NHS, or perhaps more accurately, the AA. Joan and Jericha: AA for the heart. Affording you the opportunity to have a breakdown, call for a pick-up truck, stop off for a Full English whilst a hairy guy in a grubby onesie fumbles under your bonnet and tweaks at your wiring, before sending you on your way, lubricated, primed, pumped and pretty.

With kind regards,
Joan Damry and Jericha Domain OBE MBE (etc)